Death Wish
by HannahWing
Summary: Bella has given up on life. She leaves Phoenix and moves to Forks, but for a different reason than she told her mother.


I hugged my mother goodbye at the airport, knowing that If everything went according to plan, it would be the last time I would see her. She squeezed my body tightly against hers like she didn't want me to ever leave her arms.

"I just hope you're happy in Forks." A tear ran down her deeply lined face. She seems to have aged ten year since I started high school. She's been silently suffering with me all these years. Every snickering whisper, every ugly roomer and every taunting insult that weighed on my soul had written a wrinkle on her face as well. Even though I never told her what was going on at school, she could tell what an ugly, dark place I was in. There was nothing she could do to fix it so she was letting me go, she hoped, to a better place.

It was time to board the plane. I held onto her arm for an extra second. My hand trembled slightly, betraying how afraid I truly was. I looked forward and steadied myself. This was going to be better. Everything would be better for everyone when I was gone.

"I love you mom." I kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you for everything."

Charlie and I didn't have much to say on the drive from the airport to his house. We had never had much to say to each other. I didn't mind. it was better this way.

"Are you hungry?" Charlie asked when we had gotten inside.

"Not really."

"Okay, well dinner around six sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds great."

We both stood in an awkward silence for a minute. Neither of us knew of any words that could fill in for years of barely speaking.

"Well I think I'll go up to my room." I said finally.

"Sure, sounds good." He looked relieved that the pressure was off to think of something to talk about.

I breathed a sigh of relief once I was in my room. For the first moment since this morning, I was alone. I looked around the room. Not a thing had changed since the last time I was here. I got a nostalgic chill as it reminded me of better days when I was a carefree little girl. I felt like I had let that happy girl down by growing up into such a depressed adult. I wish I could go back in time and apologize to her. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for everything that I had let her grow up to be. I wasn't popular. I didn't even have a single friend in Phoenix. I was kind of girl that guys made fun of instead of asking on dates. I wanted to tell the little girl who I used to be that I was sorry I couldn't even be strong enough to ignore the things they said about me.

Weirdo.

Freak.

Psycho.

I let them get to me, carrying their words with me everywhere I went. I knew moving to Forks wouldn't fix anything; I was a victim. I had let myself be a victim in Phoenix and I would be a victim in Forks if I didn't do anything about it. I only had one way to fix things.

I opened my suitcase. I hadn't bothered packing much. What would be the point? I didn't plan on being here for long. I shifted past the clothes in my suitcase and dug out the bottle of painkillers. My hands were shaking again. This was it.

I steadied my hands enough to open the bottle. There was no point in delaying it. It would be worse if I dragged things out for Charlie. Six little pills rolled out of the bottle into my hand. This would be a start. I closed my eyes and clamped my hand over my mouth. The pills were chalky and crumbled in my mouth, releasing a toxic taste onto my tongue. I tried to swallow as best I could without water. The bitter goop felt so sweet going down my throat as I thought calmly that this was the last time that I was ever going to hurt.

Maybe some people might call it giving up, but I was so tired. I just wanted to stop waking up. I hadn't come to Forks to start fresh at a new school. I came to Forks because I knew that my mother wouldn't be able to handle it if I committed suicide in her house.

A heavy knuckle wrapped against the other side of my door.

"Bella, could you come outside for a minute?"

I dropped the bottle, spilling the remaining pills all over my open suitcase. I slammed the suitcase shut and tried to keep my hands steady while I opened the door. Charlie was standing there, looking less stony than usual.

"I want to show you something." He actually sounded excited.

"Yeah, sure." My heart was pounding against my chest as I followed him downstairs.

An old truck rumbled in the driveway. "How do you like your homecoming present?" Charlie asked.

I was speechless and I felt guilt turning my stomach over. "You really didn't have to do this."

"It's not much and you'll need a car to get to school."

I bit my lip. "Yeah I guess I will."

A boy who looked about my age got out of the truck.

"Hey Bella" He said. "Maybe you don't remember me."

"No, I remember you Jacob. We used to play together as kids."

He cocked his head to one side and looked at me thoughtfully. "Somehow you don't look like you've changed a bit."

Something about his smile glowed through me. I couldn't help but twerk my mouth into a small smile. "Thanks, I think you're about ten times bigger than I remember."

His smile spread even wider. "I have to get going, but give me a call anytime, okay?" He scribbled a number on a piece of paper and handed it to me. "Just don't try bringing this piece of junk back to me." He slapped the side of my new truck and laughed, pulling another smile out of me.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

I turned to charlie. "Thank you so much, I can't believe you did this for me."

"Don't mention it." Charlie cracked a small smile. "I'm just happy to have you here." His words hit me right in the gut.

I went back up to my room and started picking up the pills that I had spilled. I glanced out the window at the truck sitting in the driveway; my homecoming gift. The little knot of guilt in my stomach burned and twisted. I never realized how excited Charlie would be to have me back in the house. I stared at the pills that I had collected in my hand. It looked like enough to get the job done. I bit my lip and poured them back into the bottle.

Tomorrow would be a new day in the same hell, but I decided to give it a week and hope I could make the right choice at the end of it.


End file.
